Sigh

Does anyone else ever feel so melancholy at times? Last semester I had times where I felt like I was on top of the world. I was so happy and my heart felt so full I thought I might burst. Or cry. I just couldn't believe how lovely everything was. The semester was crazy and exhausting and frustrating at times, but it was so good too. I went on break fully expecting the new coming semester to be just as amazing or better.

So why has this whole semester been such an emotional struggle? I think that part of it is that I realize that everything is about to change again. Two of my friends graduated last semester and I miss them both. The studio is different without them. I miss their personalities around the place and unfortunately we none of us are doing a good job of keeping in touch. This semester I'll say goodbye to at least two more friends and I know that the whole dynamic of the studio is about to change again. I didn't realize how dear my classmates have become to me. I've known all these folks since the beginning of my time here. That's about three years of daily interaction. They're such a part of my life...my every day. They help make my life so pleasant and stable. And they have taught me so much. I love them all. They are such a big part of my life and the idea of saying goodbye to all of them one by one makes me really sad. And I find it so strange that this group of people; this dynamic that we have that has meant so much to me and has blessed me so much is about to change and be lost forever. Does it mean as much to other people as it does to me? Does it only exist in my own mind?

Other than that I suppose I could blame lack of iron, vitamin D, and sunshine for my dour mood. Or my circumstances and influences. But I guess that the honest answer is that I choose to be a grump. It's my choice. Yes, some circumstances make it easier for us to be happy, but regardless of how "bad" things are (and trust me, they're so good) I have so much more to be grateful for than to complain about. And in the end I believe that the challenging times are so rich and teach us so much...what would life be without them? Why do I consider them to be a bad thing when they seem to only yield good things in the end? Why is it so much easier to get stuck on the things that bring us down instead of on the things that bring us joy?

I don't want to get through the semester and know that I spent most of it feeling sad. Especially when I have the ability to change that. I have mentioned before that so much of life is miraculous and we're so used to it and so caught up in living that we miss it. I want to be aware of it. I want to see each lovely little aspect of life as a gift. I need to take time to "smell the roses" and enjoy this beautiful world that has been gifted to me.