Sunday, August 31, 2014
So what else would a well-to-do woman do if she had a rabbi and his followers coming to her house? She would try to be hospitable. She would try to have a meal for them. She would want to show them honor in that way. I know from reading the gospels that Jesus attracted crowds wherever he went. It's possible that when he came to her home he might have brought a crowd with him. I highly doubt that Martha had tons of extra bread and food hanging around to feed all these people. She was probably overwhelmed because she had to prepare a lot of food to host these people and that's why she became angry.
So yeah, I identify with her. I express love by serving. I think she did too. But Jesus tells her that Mary, who chose to sit and listen to him, had chosen better. So I've been thinking about that. This past year has been very busy. I keep waiting for it to slow down but it hasn't. If anything it gets busier. I find myself agreeing to do more and more. And the things I'm doing aren't bad things. It could be serving lunch at church or watching someone's kids so they can get out. I get a lot of joy out of doing those things. But this past weekend it came to a head where I committed to doing too many things in one weekend and only barely was able to fulfill everything and I didn't get much sleep. I was so busy I couldn't live in the moment of what I was doing, I was already mentally on the next thing on my to-do list and wondering if I was going to make it to that thing or if I'd let someone down because I over-extended myself.
There seems to be so much to do and I feel so guilty for taking time off. I keep thinking things like, "you're never going to get anywhere if you don't start working now." "You're wasting your time." "You're flaky." "You're not ambitious." "Everyone thinks you're a failure...because you are a failure." "If you don't sign up for XYZ you're lazy...you are selfish."
Usually when I first sign up for things it's out of this overflow of wanting to serve because, like I said, it's how I show love. To others and to God. But when I see this shift into obligation because I'm afraid of what others think I should be alerted to the fact that my motivation is no longer to serve God. It's to please others. Or maybe I do think God will be disappointed if I am not serving lunch or stacking chairs or doing something for someone else so they can take a break. Either way, I think both things are wrong. One is a misunderstanding of who God is, the other is a form of idolatry I think. I worry more about what others think than about sitting at God's feet and resting in Him and enjoying Him and learning from Him.
Friday, August 29, 2014
It wasn't an accident. I'm finding that sometimes you need a big break from things. Things that you're not obligated to to spend time on. It would seem that sometimes things that fill me up also empty me out and I need to step away. Also, as with any creative release, sometimes you need to go out and live in order to create content. So I'm back writing here again because I'm so full of words and emotions that sometimes can't be expressed out loud, but can be put into writing. I guess because I need this again
How to even catch up after so long? I think my last post was February 23rd of this year. In six months time I've moved twice. I've changed jobs. I became involved an extra Bible study in more of a leadership role that has been really challenging and taken up a large chunk of my time. I've become really busy and I'm not even sure where my time is going anymore. Sometimes it just seems like noise. Sometimes it seems like important work. Sometimes I feel quite fulfilled and blessed beyond measure. Other times I feel drained and like I'm just missing something.
I guess all those things exist together. I can acknowledge my blessings while acknowledging that I want even more from life. I can acknowledge that the mundane parts of our life are the foundation for the important things of life. While I want to have a genuine heart of gratitude for all the things I've been blessed with, and while I want to try and keep my interactions with people lighthearted and God-centered sometimes you just need to be honest and say what's in your heart of hearts.
And that is this: I want more. I don't want to feel like I'm filling my time just to be busy. Or that I'm doing unimportant things so others can do the important things. What is important anyway? I don't want to look back on my 20s with regrets of the things I should have done...whether important work or just taking time to enjoy the life I've been given.
I have a lot on my heart and mind and I feel like recording it again for a little while at least.