Saturday, March 30, 2013

Freaking Out

Plates Getting Silkscreened

Teapots Getting Decals

Bisque Fired Pots Awaiting Glazing and Firing

Flower Carousel
This week was Spring Break. It snowed every day till Thursday. Today (Saturday) we finally had a sunny day and warmer weather. It's been a rough week. I fired a kiln and had a few successes and quite a few disappointments (oh, shino let me down). 4 weeks till my BFA show...time to freak out even worse than I already am. Some of the projects I wanted to do went awry and I feel as though I've let some of my teachers down. I don't really know what to do except keep working and try to make things better next time. At least the firing went well. Only 9 hours as opposed to the 23 hour salt firing I did a few weeks ago. What a horrible experience! And I've decided I am making porcelain and making some porcelain pots for my last semester once this show stuff is over.

Shows, graduation, and life stress are starting to wear me out. I'm getting anxious and frustrated. It's a lonely place to be. And although I have several options for once I finish school I can't help but feel so homeless. I have places to stay, but none is my home where I will be settled in permanently or even semi-permanently. And it is lonely and sad. But it's okay. It's just making the stress I am already under that much harder to deal with gracefully.

I finished watching the whole series of Foyle's War. I loved it and am sad it's over. I don't watch a lot of TV but I loved that series. Mr. Foyle is so stodgy and respectable. And Sam's and his work relationship and friendship is so cute. And weirdly enough, when the soldiers return from WWII I sort of related to how difficult it was for them to return to a "normal" life because when I came back from China I had a hard time readjusting and felt like people were offended that I didn't slide so easily back into life here. And my time in China was for study, not to fight a war. But it exhausted and stretched me to my limit in a lot of ways. How much harder is it for our servicemen and servicewomen to readjust and work through the experiences they face in the line of duty?

My friend Candice and her sister and parents came over for brunch today. It was so nice and I find that having parents here makes me feel calmer. Just having someone listen and talk to you like you are an adult somehow comforts me and makes me feel better. And being in a family environment is refreshing. College is weirdly age segregating even when you are trying to be involved with people of all ages and stages. At least, here in my town it is.

The problem with being an art student is that you spend all your time "doing what you love" and worrying about doing it well to the point that when you go home you are too creatively worn out to do all the projects at home that you've been wanting to do. I want to sew and make books and silkscreen tee shirts. But I end up trying to clean my room which is inevitably a mess again by the next weekend, watching Foyle's War (not a viable excuse anymore), or visiting with my roommates instead. I think I'm too stressed to relax and do projects for fun right now. Art school is rough. I don't know if this is the case for every other major, but the nature of my studies are such that I always feel that no matter how hard I work and how much I do it's
a) never enough work
b) never good enough work
c) never finished...never resolved.
It's tough feeling like you've worked and you're not sure you have anything to show for it. Even when I make A's I feel like I've failed because it's always a starting point...nothing is ever finished. I just want something to be good enough.

All this to say...I am in 3 shows this month which is great, but makes me very self-conscious of my abilities to make good work. I kind of want to run away and hide. And I know I need a change, but I dread leaving everything familiar and going to something unknown and even more unstable than what I already have. And I'm mostly really tired. So I think I'll end here and get some rest.

Happy Easter tomorrow!

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