Catch up

Yesterday was the first day of classes at my alma mater (I love saying that, ha ha) and...I didn't have to go! Yay for being graduated!

So, it's been quite a while since I wrote here. Lots of things are going on, but nothing big or exciting. I have a new job. It's not a career, but it's a paycheck which I am grateful for.

I am feeling much more comfortable here. I still get a little homesick. I miss my friends. I appreciate the loveliness of my old home and think of it fondly. But thankfully that desperate homesick feeling has mostly gone away. I feel more myself. I think I have to accept the fact that with a change in circumstance and environment I also change and that is another thing to understand and get used to. I still think it's so weird that I can be myself and still not really know myself or understand myself. That whole sentence sounds so trippy. But it's true in a weird way.

So while I miss my friends I have received lots of phone calls, texts, and facebook messages and I am so thankful for the effort my loved ones have put in to keeping up our friendships. It's hard to accept that with distance those friendships will change, but I can at least hope that they will continue regardless of proximity.

I still find myself wondering what I'll be when I grow up. I am happy to say that I have a better idea of what I want to do, but still not a clear goal or plan to achieve that goal. Baby steps, right? I am not thinking that this town is going to be my permanent residence, but I am trying to enjoy my time here regardless.

I've listened to quite a lot of teachings on family, relationships, conflict resolution, and forgiveness. It would seem that unforgiveness is a sin that I struggle with. And I am becoming aware of some of its effects on my life. I find that I am more cynical, bitter, and suspicious of people. I don't want to be those things. I also realize that if I do learn how to forgive it is a chance to have the gospel played out in my life for others to see. So even in the midst of a problem, there is this chance to still glorify Jesus by obeying his instructions for conflict resolution and following his example of forgiveness. I am also realizing that all my problems, as much of a bummer as they can be, are an opportunity to turn to Christ for His truth, wisdom, strength, and healing. In that way all my ugly problems can be turned into something beautiful as Christ's perfection and love is shown and (hopefully) changes me. It gives me a different perspective on trials. And it is a reminder of how Christ is with me always...working through every problem with me.

I don't get to see my sister, brother-in-law, niece or nephew all that much, but the time I do spend with them is so nice. I babysat Olive and Silas tonight and had lots of fun with them. I am tickled to death that when it's just me and them we really enjoy dancing together, singing fun songs, baking, making crafts, and watching old Disney movies because those are all things I love to do...it leads me to the conclusion that I am still 4 years old. But it's great. I've also really enjoyed hanging our with Matt and Jacqueline talking, watching mysteries, and just hanging out. It's been very nice.

I feel slightly guilty because even though I have every opportunity to do so I am not making anything art-related. I have ideas. I just don't do any of them. I am so burnt out on art. I love it and plan to keep making art, but it's SO NICE to not feel like it dictates everything in my life. I still keep track of ideas and try to develop them. I can accept that right now my situation is not really conducive to try to break into the art scene. I am really fine with having this little break.

All in all, I would say that this weird, transitional time in my life is...well, weird but also has been interesting in that I am learning a lot of things about myself and what I hope for in the future. I have no conclusions. I wasn't expecting to. After getting accepted into the art school I let go of the idea of a career right out of college and expected to feel kinda floaty. I don't enjoy floating, but I am not shocked to find myself in this situation. I talked to my older sister about it and she reminded me that it is a lesson on living in the present and trusting God with today. Just today. Which is really all I'm guaranteed anyway.

Okay. Good night. :)