The unsolved things in my heart.

This past week was a doozy! I have moments where I feel like my soul is shriveling up and decaying. Everything in the world seems so bleak that I can't imagine that hope can exist. Then someone can speak words to me that give life. It's amazing what an encouraging word can do. So to my sister Jacqueline and friend Courteney...thank you for the time you took to listen, to respond, and for caring. And not just in the short term, but for the past 15+ years! In this season of life where I feel like I'm floating in a boat without an oar in a storm...I'm very grateful for the people who have already walked with me and continue to walk with me.
And for the written words that we have...these by Rilke, and so many more from so many books...these shared feelings and experiences help make this lost, floating girl feel like someone understands her heart and can speak the feelings I don't know how to convey. I feel encouragement in knowing someone else felt this way and lived to tell others that the questions we have are gifts.
I've been thinking of that a bit. I have so many unanswered questions. "Am I completely broken?"  "Do your ways really work, God?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "Will I always feel so stuck emotionally?" "Why do you give me dreams for a life that seems completely unattainable?" Don't hate the questions...love them. For every question that painfully points me back to my God, the only one who can answer them in His timing, I should be grateful.

There's ever so much to learn. Always. My earthly experiences teach me to be frustrated at how little I know, and how far I have to go in my learning, and how at the end I'll still be asking questions. My worth is in my intellect and abilities to figure things out and get to the next thing. That little paragraph above leads me to think that our Lord tells me to realize that each longing and question is a gift designed to teach me about Him. To realize my dependence on Him. And that I don't have to measure myself by how quickly I can learn a lesson...God's value of me is based in how much He was willing to go through to have a relationship with me; not based in my performance abilities. It's funny. I want so very badly to be loved as I am, without having to hide, without having to be ashamed. As a Christian I KNOW God loves me. Why is it so hard to learn to be free in that love?