Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The current state.

I'm in one of those periods where I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly through life. I really have no idea of what I'm doing. And I don't know where I'm going. And I am trying really hard to be okay with that. It brings a lot of things for me to work through. I'm so grateful for a time to be quieter. To be with this part of my family. To be in a new place. To meet new friends. But I also feel very wary.

I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety concerning my current situation. Mostly I feel so uneasy like nothing is stable. Nothing is permanent. Nothing feels really reliable. Almost like I'm waiting for someone to pull the rug out from beneath me. I feel like I don't want to get too settled because I might move again. I don't want to get too close to people because it's hard to let go of them. I don't want to throw myself into the things I am passionate about because I am afraid of failing at them. I'm so afraid of feeling hurt. I'm afraid of letting everyone down. I'm afraid of everyone leaving me because I've failed. Perhaps those fears are a bit unfounded, but I find that at least acknowledging those fears lets me think through them rationally and deal with them.

Anyway, I think I'm in this period of having to trust God to be my stability and my provider and my home. I've been reading through some of the Psalms and looking at the way God is described in them. As a shelter, refuge, deliverer, and more. I am still fighting this battle of trusting God. I know I'm not in control. I know that He is and that my life belongs to him. I guess I am watching and waiting to see what He does. I feel so much more certain now than I did before I started college that whatever He does with my life I can trust that He is good and loves me. But it's still hard. It's like I'm taking baby steps in my walk with Jesus right now. Kind of holding on to him with one hand...walking very cautiously toward him while He's leading...somewhere. Right now, just like a baby, I'm trying to stay on my feet and not worrying too hard about where I'm walking to. I'm just trying to learn to walk with Him.

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