The current state.

I'm in one of those periods where I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly through life. I really have no idea of what I'm doing. And I don't know where I'm going. And I am trying really hard to be okay with that. It brings a lot of things for me to work through. I'm so grateful for a time to be quieter. To be with this part of my family. To be in a new place. To meet new friends. But I also feel very wary.

I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety concerning my current situation. Mostly I feel so uneasy like nothing is stable. Nothing is permanent. Nothing feels really reliable. Almost like I'm waiting for someone to pull the rug out from beneath me. I feel like I don't want to get too settled because I might move again. I don't want to get too close to people because it's hard to let go of them. I don't want to throw myself into the things I am passionate about because I am afraid of failing at them. I'm so afraid of feeling hurt. I'm afraid of letting everyone down. I'm afraid of everyone leaving me because I've failed. Perhaps those fears are a bit unfounded, but I find that at least acknowledging those fears lets me think through them rationally and deal with them.

Anyway, I think I'm in this period of having to trust God to be my stability and my provider and my home. I've been reading through some of the Psalms and looking at the way God is described in them. As a shelter, refuge, deliverer, and more. I am still fighting this battle of trusting God. I know I'm not in control. I know that He is and that my life belongs to him. I guess I am watching and waiting to see what He does. I feel so much more certain now than I did before I started college that whatever He does with my life I can trust that He is good and loves me. But it's still hard. It's like I'm taking baby steps in my walk with Jesus right now. Kind of holding on to him with one hand...walking very cautiously toward him while He's leading...somewhere. Right now, just like a baby, I'm trying to stay on my feet and not worrying too hard about where I'm walking to. I'm just trying to learn to walk with Him.

Things that I love.

• Properly inflated tires
• Working washing machines
• Yellow leaves during sunsets...they look like they're glowing
• Coffee
• Bedhead
• The way the cold weather makes me feel so...alive
• Pattern and texture
• Quiet nights
• Naps
• Texts from far away friends
• Hanging Christmas lights in my room
• Seeing my sister's family together

Family time

Today was a momentous day...it was the first time I got to take my niece out for a solo auntie/niece date. I had such a great time. We did some errands, went to Target and got coffee and walked around the pet store looking at the animals. We finished off by going to the library. It was a lovely visit. I'm glad for these little moments that I can spend with her and Silas.

My favorite season!

That time of year again...
When leaves play in the wind...
When the trees look like fire...
When the days are warm and nights brisk...
When the sky is either oh-so-blue or moody gray...
When the air smells like wood burning...
When the scarves and sweaters come out of hiding...

It's fall!!!

Thinking back.

This past week I've been doing a little reflecting on my life. It started when a friend shared their testimony at Bible study and it made me think about my own testimony. It's been quite a good exercise I think. I realized it's been almost 20 years since I asked Jesus to be my savior. And I have reflected how in the almost 20 years that have passed God has gradually taught me about Himself through his word and through life experiences. I can say honestly that some of the hardest times of my life have meant the most to me because in those times I felt his presence more strongly than ever. I guess I realized my weakness and imperfections and saw His strength and rested in it. I think the overall theme I can see in my walk with Jesus so far is that that although I have been taught the Bible since I was young, and though I have been reading the Bible since I was young, I am only just learning about who God is and what his character is like. And the more I learn the more I trust Him. I am still such a baby christian. I have so much I need to learn. But one of the things that changed my perspective on the christian life is when I learned that God is a pursuing God. I guess for quite some time I was under this impression that God was this distant entity who made sure I stayed alive...but had the right to let all sorts of things happen to me. I felt quite distrusting of this God. I didn't understand the more complete personality of God. He does have the right to demand everything of us. But He gave up his life for me. It was when I began to understand how perfect and complete and powerful He is...without us...but that He wanted us. Me. Enough to die for me. And not only that, but He associates with me. I mess up all the time. I am awkward. I struggle with liking myself. But God loves me. He wants me. He went out of His way to get me. And I didn't do anything to deserve it. No one else, knowing all there is to know about me, would want me as much as God does. Not when I can never repay the love given to me. No. That is divine. I am His. He wants me. And knowing that...how else can I respond but by loving Him back? In my very imperfect way...my sinful, flesh-loving way...I love Him. I hope that as I continue in this walk with Him that my love for him will become more pure. That more of myself will be broken and filled by Him. That as time goes on I will continue to see a more clear and complete picture of who Jesus is. I think life will continue to get harder and as I go farther that my walk will become more challenging. But I'm grateful for a God who pursues me and I want to walk closely with Him.

I grew up listening to Keith Green songs and there is one I have always liked called "I Don't Wanna Fall Away From You." Sometimes that song is my prayer:

After all the things that you have shown me
I'd be a fool to let them slip away
And doing things I know I shouldn't do
But I don't wanna fall away from you

 After all I've only grieved your Spirit
And then I don't know why you stay with me
But every time I fall your love comes through
And I don't wanna fall away from you.

When the light is gone
And good times are getting old
There's no one left to count on
And all my friends are cold
When I thirst for love, oh Lord,
You're a fountain to my soul...my soul!

In a way my life is full of burdens
But in a way you carry them for me
Cause no one understands the way you do
And I don't wanna fall away from you

I don't wanna fall away from you
I don't wanna fall away from you...
From you!