Not content

Sometimes I have days that leave me feeling so full. It doesn't always take much. I can have a great conversation with someone or have a busy day that includes just enough sweetness in the form of sights, interactions or words that I needed to hear. On those days I'm left feeling so content. I'm thankful. I know how rich I am in this life.

And then sometimes I have days that leave me feeling drained. Empty. I feel like I have nothing... I am nothing...and that will always be my reality. Whatever I was put on earth to do...I'm doing it wrong and that makes me a screwup. I feel poor spiritually and in every other way too. 

Additionally I (like pretty much everyone) struggle with self esteem. I try to like myself and be confident. On those good days I feel loved and lovable. On bad days I see so many of my flaws and start hating myself. I'm selfish. I'm prideful. I don't trust enough. I don't love people well. I'm not thankful. All those things make me feel so defeated and worthless. Like I'm just contributing to everyone's problems, not bringing anyone joy. 

At times like these I know that I have such a poor understanding of who God is. I don't understand how he can look at me and love me anyway. I don't understand how he is working and planning and teaching me things.

The bible talks about God being light. I know light gives safety, warmth, and lets us grow. I also know it hurts to look into light. When you turn on a light creepy things run and hide. Everything can be seen...the good, bad and ugly. 

I want to be in the light. But maybe today is the kind of day where the Light hurts my eyes a little bit. Maybe the Light is exposing the things in me that I don't like. 

I'm not sure I know entirely what has me in such a funk but today I am struggling with these things and it leaves me discontented. I'm sort of okay with that if I need that to prompt me to change. But I don't want it to cause me to not be grateful for the blessings in my life and make me less hopeful of my future.