Running away

 This past weekend I reached a breaking point. I had just completely had it. Physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion caught up to me during what happened to be a very busy weekend and it took me out. I rarely find myself unable to contain my emotions but this weekend got the better of me on several occasions. While I slept as much as my schedule allowed me to (not much) I was never refreshed. So on Sunday, after trying desperately to nap but being unable to quiet my thoughts I decided to run away someplace quiet and outdoors.

I went to a nearby park and found it to be completely empty. The luxury of having the whole park to myself was such a gift. I bundled up and went out to one of the benches and just sat...and waited...and thought...and prayed...and cried...and then did it all again. Nature, while fallen, is so whole. It just is what it is. It doesn't have to think about what it's doing it just exists and brings glory to God as a result. It's the closest thing to perfection that I can find on earth and that is why I find getting outside into more secluded places to be so restoring. It points me back to the Perfect One who made it. Sitting there in the middle of such a beautiful day I felt so incredibly broken...angry, passed by, wrong, hurt, worthless...so many things that weighed me down and emotionally and spiritually exhausted me. And I wanted to know why I felt like that and if it was true. Am I really worth being loved? Do I belong anywhere? Am I ever going to see my prayers answered and my hopes realized? Is God playing a game with me?

I've not been reading the Bible as much as I should or would like to, but recently the study I'm in is going through the gospel of John. And while I sat there praying and asking why I was struggling with this and why I felt so worthless some truths seemed to be revealed to me. One being that God doesn't call me worthless, ugly, and he hasn't rejected me. Quite the opposite. He died to give me life and worth. He doesn't look at me and see filth and broken and worthless...He loves me more purely and truly than anyone else ever could and He sees me as someone that He can grow and teach and use. Also, in all my brokenness I can't understand why he likes me. Because I have a hard time believing anyone else does sometimes, so how could perfection stand to associate with me? I mess up without even trying. How does pure holiness stand to associate with me? But scripture says the He delights in the godly. And not only that, last week we read in John about the death of Lazarus and how when Jesus finally came to Bethany both the sisters told him: "If you had been here my brother would not have died." That is exactly how I felt this week. "You're in control...why am I so...xyz..." That is an ugly way to come to Christ. But in that story I learned something about Jesus. He was so so so compassionate. He grieved with them. He didn't tell them to stop feeling their sadness and not to question Him. He spoke truth and love. And although He knew he was going to raise their brother he didn't walk in saying, "don't worry, stop crying, I'm going to fix this." He wept with them and walked with them in their grief.

I think that meant so much to me because elsewhere it also says that we can approach the throne of grace with confidence...He lets us come to him and in such love He comforts, rebukes, teaches, restores....and gives us life. I know without a doubt that it is wrong to approach him with anything other than a heart of adoration and worship. But my God is so amazing that He lets me ask, "why?" And when I'm grieving He cares. And when I'm being lied to He tells the truth.

I'm still tired. My schedule is bananas lately and it seems like it is all I can do to hang on. But after having a serious time of confessing my sin and praying to the Lord I felt so much more rested and revived than any nap could have made me. It's like that feeling you have when you're starting to recover from being sick...you're hopeful of total healing. It's in sight. The thing is there are questions that are still not completely answered. I'm only given what I absolutely need to know for now. And that is that while I was unlovable Jesus loved me. And while I may feel like I'm floating alone through life sometimes I belong to Jesus forever. He does answer prayers and if hope truly is defined as divine expectation then I believe that in time He will answer my prayers according to His perfect will, not mine. And no, He isn't playing games with me. He's perfect. To believe anything else about Him is to believe a lie. I may not understand Him, but He is so patient with me. I'm at the beginning of working through my questions and struggles. I've only started to identify what they are. They didn't get here overnight and they won't go away that quickly either, but thankfully He is good and patient and loving. There isn't enough room to write all His wonderful attributes and qualities. He's better than anything. Why is it so hard not to be satisfied with Him alone?

I think I've written enough for now.