Today:

I worked 11 hours today and am now settled in at home listening to/watching Fiddler on the Roof on my laptop and writing, cleaning, winding down from my day.

Does anyone else ever experience end-of-the-day blues? Today after getting home, eating dinner, and finally sitting down by myself I almost felt ready to cry. Today was a good day. I have the next two days off. A friend is coming from out of town to visit this weekend which I am looking forward to. It must partly be because I am tired. And partly because for some reason Fiddler on the Roof was making me really emotional. I used to watch movies and laugh at the sad parts (they say laugh or cry...well crying gives me a headache and stuffy nose so I choose to be heartless and laugh) but for some reason I felt a lot of empathy for the characters in the movie. It was as if the stories of the characters' lives and the songs that accompany them really helped put my feelings about the recent changes in my life into words and pictures. I laughed at the funny parts and got closer to crying during a movie than I have in a long time during the sadder parts. It's such a beautiful film. Anyway, now that you know more about my emotions and strange mental processes than you ever wanted to know...

I think have too much time to think. And because when I am not at work I have no other goals to work toward right now I am afraid my mind turns to thinking about situations beyond my control. Sometimes I think about the things I want to do and wonder if I'll ever do them. I think about the things that scare me and keep me from doing things I want to do. Or the right way to pursue my goals. Then I have a hard time figuring out what my goals are which leads me back to square one. I feel a bit purpose-less and goal-less right now...no one really needs me. Outside work I have no pressing tasks to work toward. I worry about whiling away my time doing nothing important. That's the worst feeling. But then I remember that God lets his people go through quiet, mundane times in their lives and I don't believe that it's for nothing. I think about Joseph being in prison for a crime he didn't commit. And Joshua and Caleb wandering the desert for 40 years waiting to go into the Promised Land. I don't think that time was just a waste even though they were kept from doing things that would have seemed much more useful and beneficial to everyone. I just have to trust that God's ways are so much better than my ways. But while I'm waiting I might still look into other options. Maybe I'll revive my old dream of teaching abroad. Who knows?