Grace: aka Martha

Is it just me or do we really give certain Bible characters a lot of flack for their weaknesses? As if we don't experience them too? Martha is one of those characters that I relate to a lot. She's a servant. She works hard. She sounds like she could be the oldest of her siblings...she came from a culture where woman ran households and took care of people. She came from a culture where there was no Meijer to go to when you ran out of bread or eggs. I'm not an expert on ancient (or even current) Jewish culture, but it seems to me that their culture had a lot of reverence and respect for rabbis and religious leaders. You honored your guests and treated them well.

So what else would a well-to-do woman do if she had a rabbi and his followers coming to her house? She would try to be hospitable. She would try to have a meal for them. She would want to show them honor in that way. I know from reading the gospels that Jesus attracted crowds wherever he went. It's possible that when he came to her home he might have brought a crowd with him. I highly doubt that Martha had tons of extra bread and food hanging around to feed all these people. She was probably overwhelmed because she had to prepare a lot of food to host these people and that's why she became angry.

So yeah, I identify with her. I express love by serving. I think she did too. But Jesus tells her that Mary, who chose to sit and listen to him, had chosen better. So I've been thinking about that. This past year has been very busy. I keep waiting for it to slow down but it hasn't. If anything it gets busier. I find myself agreeing to do more and more. And the things I'm doing aren't bad things. It could be serving lunch at church or watching someone's kids so they can get out. I get a lot of joy out of doing those things. But this past weekend it came to a head where I committed to doing too many things in one weekend and only barely was able to fulfill everything and I didn't get much sleep. I was so busy I couldn't live in the moment of what I was doing, I was already mentally on the next thing on my to-do list and wondering if I was going to make it to that thing or if I'd let someone down because I over-extended myself.

There seems to be so much to do and I feel so guilty for taking time off. I keep thinking things like, "you're never going to get anywhere if you don't start working now." "You're wasting your time." "You're flaky." "You're not ambitious." "Everyone thinks you're a failure...because you are a failure." "If you don't sign up for XYZ you're lazy...you are selfish."

Usually when I first sign up for things it's out of this overflow of wanting to serve because, like I said, it's how I show love. To others and to God. But when I see this shift into obligation because I'm afraid of what others think I should be alerted to the fact that my motivation is no longer to serve God. It's to please others. Or maybe I do think God will be disappointed if I am not serving lunch or stacking chairs or doing something for someone else so they can take a break. Either way, I think both things are wrong. One is a misunderstanding of who God is, the other is a form of idolatry I think. I worry more about what others think than about sitting at God's feet and resting in Him and enjoying Him and learning from Him.

Hao Jiu Bu Jian (Long time, no see)

Life happened and I neglected writing.

It wasn't an accident. I'm finding that sometimes you need a big break from things. Things that you're not obligated to to spend time on. It would seem that sometimes things that fill me up also empty me out and I need to step away. Also, as with any creative release, sometimes you need to go out and live in order to create content. So I'm back writing here again because I'm so full of words and emotions that sometimes can't be expressed out loud, but can be put into writing. I guess because I need this again

How to even catch up after so long? I think my last post was February 23rd of this year. In six months time I've moved twice. I've changed jobs. I became involved an extra Bible study in more of a leadership role that has been really challenging and taken up a large chunk of my time. I've become really busy and I'm not even sure where my time is going anymore. Sometimes it just seems like noise. Sometimes it seems like important work. Sometimes I feel quite fulfilled and blessed beyond measure. Other times I feel drained and like I'm just missing something.

I guess all those things exist together. I can acknowledge my blessings while acknowledging that I want even more from life. I can acknowledge that the mundane parts of our life are the foundation for the important things of life. While I want to have a genuine heart of gratitude for all the things I've been blessed with, and while I want to try and keep my interactions with people lighthearted and God-centered sometimes you just need to be honest and say what's in your heart of hearts.

And that is this: I want more. I don't want to feel like I'm filling my time just to be busy. Or that I'm doing unimportant things so others can do the important things. What is important anyway? I don't want to look back on my 20s with regrets of the things I should have done...whether important work or just taking time to enjoy the life I've been given.

I have a lot on my heart and mind and I feel like recording it again for a little while at least.

Gathering together

I live in a town that is home to a small Christian college. Every Sunday night there is a chapel/church service for the students. I'm not a student, but I go anyway along with several other friends from Bible study. I really enjoy it. It's a bit of a unique experience for me because it is held in a small cathedral-like church and the service is rather traditional. My college services that I went to were very contemporary and modern...the culture here is different. And I appreciate the differences in experience very much.

Anyway. In addition to teaching there is also a time of singing and praying that is led by students mostly who sing and play instruments. Singing in church or gatherings has been kind of a confusing thing for me lately. Sometimes I feel that I'm being performed to instead of led in singing. Sometimes I feel that more emphasis is placed on the singing than on anything else. That's really not what this post is about, I just felt like getting it off my chest. But back to what this long winded post is really about...

The last couple of weeks the selection of songs we sang happened to be songs that really ministered to me lyric wise. And I have to be honest, the people who lead the singing and playing of the songs are very talented people. But no one was trying to be the rockstar...no one was upstaging anyone...it was simply a chance to worship through song. The music is beautiful. In the midst of all my anxiety about corporate song worship these last few weeks have been opportunities to step back and revel in the chance to come together with others who love Christ and sing to him. I think of how He created music...and the chance to come together and sing to Him is lovely..it's so right. I guess it struck me in a way that it hasn't ever before that this is what it was for to begin with...to praise Him. So even more lovely than the sounds of the music is the chance to view people using it for its intended purpose: to sing praises and glory to God. In fact, it didn't matter whether I knew the song or even thought the song itself was beautiful...seeing the music be used the way it was always intended to be made it all seem like the most beautiful music I'd ever heard. This doesn't just happen to me while singing in a group or a church. And I'm grateful for that experience because worshiping through song is usually difficult for me because I don't know if it's meant more for my entertainment or more for God's praise. Tonight while listening to the the sounds of all our voices singing to Him, I thought about how in the Bible it says around the throne the angels will be saying, "holy, holy, holy is the Lord God" and thinking of the day that all those throughout history together with the angels will in unison sing and cry praises to God. It just was a glimpse this week...someday we will see that though.

It doesn't get much better than this...

Friends, this is where being a live-in-auntie gets fun(ner). Cause not much can top winding down by snuggling a little baby, can it?

On Making

I made a New Year resolution. It was to make at least one thing a week for the year of 2014. Small or big...the goal was just to be creative. I've already failed in a big way! I haven't done very much. I've started some stuff but haven't finished. And the burst of creative energy and enthusiasm that I was hoping for...yeah, still don't have it.

And I'm okay with that. Mostly. It's relieving to be able to not make things if I find it more stressful than fulfilling. It also makes me feel guilty too. In school I would just push through feelings of unmotivation and complete assignments. In school I also had a community to bounce ideas off of and share work with. I think that is part of it. Not having people to share art making with makes it lonely. And even though I've been here for about 7 months now, I'm still new and figuring things out. I am trying not to be lonely. I'm trying to get out there and do new things and meet new people.

However, even though I haven't made a lot of stuff personally, I did teach a two week ceramics class in January and am lined up to teach another next month. I really liked teaching! It's a little scary, but so fun to share something you care about with other people. Like I said, sharing art with a community is inspiring and helps me want to make. I want to teach more as opportunities present themselves. Also, I have lots of ideas planned out in my sketchbook and have pinned tons of ideas on Pinterest of things I would like to learn, try, and make. It's funny, teaching that class made me more inspired to make pots and other art. Probably because I felt a bit of that community again. :)

I suppose the real thing I'm trying to say right now is that I see myself in a place right now where it's hard to make art or craft. It's easy to feel like a failure. I finished art school and haven't done anything to speak of since then. But I am trying to think more long-term. I got hugely burnt out by the time I graduated. I've gone through a lot of changes...I am sure I have changed in some ways. I think I need this time to learn other things and have new experiences. And I'll count any little thing as an effort toward living a creative life. Even if it's just making and decorating cupcakes for my family...like the ones pictured above. :)

Happy 2014 and Winter

It's been a long time. A lot has happened. The new baby niece is here. I've been sick off and on for a long time now. I'm told it is the result of working with kids.

This has been the snowiest winter of my life. Hello, Michigan. I must say that it has not been the worst experience. I can't help but think looking at all the tons of snow we have that it's amazing that each snowflake is different.* And I tried ice skating for the second time in my life. It was as painful as I remember it being, but I'm feeling a bit stubborn and kind of want to figure it out.

With the new year I have some new goals. None of which I've started working toward. That's typical, right? I guess having the new baby come and being sick a lot has set me back. But each day is a new beginning and a chance to start again.

*I began to get skeptical of the idea that no two snowflakes are identical after all the snow we have been getting. I mean, with as much snow as is still out there on the ground and all the snow we get almost every day, how much possibility is there for variety? So I did a little resesarch, and while it can't be proven that nowhere, ever have there never been two identical snowflakes, it has been proven that it would be so hard to find identical ones that it's safe to say they're all different. Whoa! That's the kind of amazing God we serve. One who can create endless shapes for little frozen water droplets...one that can make each person unique and individual...it's quite miraculous when you stop to think about it.

I went for a walk in a snowy wood.

I went for a walk in a snowy wood.

The light was golden and the ground was white.

The hills rolled and the trees swelled.

The air was clean and the breeze was perfect. 

It refreshed my soul and made me smile.