On that note...

To continue my train of thought from the last post...

It seems that we all work so hard to avoid any struggles in life. Financial struggle especially. It's all about going to college to get the degree that will get you the job with benefits and as many figures as you can get. It goes for all aspects of life though...relationships, faith, etc. Sometimes you feel that if you're struggling then you're failing. Because you didn't plan far enough ahead or you should have seen that coming. Maybe you should have made a better choice which means you're probably irresponsible and/or immature. This leaves me feeling inadequate, unprepared and vulnerable. I don't like feeling those things.

What strikes me as funny about this mentality of avoiding struggle is that quite often elderly people I have talked to talk about the "good ol' days" as the days where everything was a struggle. Maybe they were single and striking out on their own for the first time and learning that they could manage on their own. And it was really scary and intimidating, but also thrilling to see themselves become their own person and figure things out. Maybe they were a young couple just starting life together and poor and they just had each other while everything else seemed very uncertain. But the folks I've talked to about these situations talk about how those days meant the world to them and were the best days of their lives. They appreciated their loved ones; they appreciated the little things in life. They worked to create something better for themselves and their loved ones.

And now they all look at my generation and advise us to work hard in college so we can kick back and be comfortable and not have to deal with the same struggles they faced when they were young.

But why would I want that? If those hard times were the best times of their lives where they figured out their priorities and learned to appreciate their loved ones and the little lovely things that happen each day then why wouldn't I want those experiences? And why don't I consider these lonely, uncertain times to be a chance to experience those things now? Maybe I'm not failing...maybe I'm being given a gift. To remind me that the little things in life are the big things. When I think back to being a kid my fondest memories are of the little things. They stand out in my mind and I remember them more acutely than I remember vacations, big get-togethers and whatnot. Of course I loved any exciting event, but the things that really touched me and stayed with me were the little things that happened that I realized were lovely. Beautiful, every day gifts from God.

I want to look back on my college years and say that I appreciated the little things. Chats with friends. A walk on a pretty day. Working with my hands. A hug. Feeling loved. That sort of thing. Life is made up of little moments and I want to remember the special, extraordinary, miraculous events that happen each day that I don't typically remember to pay attention to.

Sigh

Does anyone else ever feel so melancholy at times? Last semester I had times where I felt like I was on top of the world. I was so happy and my heart felt so full I thought I might burst. Or cry. I just couldn't believe how lovely everything was. The semester was crazy and exhausting and frustrating at times, but it was so good too. I went on break fully expecting the new coming semester to be just as amazing or better.

So why has this whole semester been such an emotional struggle? I think that part of it is that I realize that everything is about to change again. Two of my friends graduated last semester and I miss them both. The studio is different without them. I miss their personalities around the place and unfortunately we none of us are doing a good job of keeping in touch. This semester I'll say goodbye to at least two more friends and I know that the whole dynamic of the studio is about to change again. I didn't realize how dear my classmates have become to me. I've known all these folks since the beginning of my time here. That's about three years of daily interaction. They're such a part of my life...my every day. They help make my life so pleasant and stable. And they have taught me so much. I love them all. They are such a big part of my life and the idea of saying goodbye to all of them one by one makes me really sad. And I find it so strange that this group of people; this dynamic that we have that has meant so much to me and has blessed me so much is about to change and be lost forever. Does it mean as much to other people as it does to me? Does it only exist in my own mind?

Other than that I suppose I could blame lack of iron, vitamin D, and sunshine for my dour mood. Or my circumstances and influences. But I guess that the honest answer is that I choose to be a grump. It's my choice. Yes, some circumstances make it easier for us to be happy, but regardless of how "bad" things are (and trust me, they're so good) I have so much more to be grateful for than to complain about. And in the end I believe that the challenging times are so rich and teach us so much...what would life be without them? Why do I consider them to be a bad thing when they seem to only yield good things in the end? Why is it so much easier to get stuck on the things that bring us down instead of on the things that bring us joy?

I don't want to get through the semester and know that I spent most of it feeling sad. Especially when I have the ability to change that. I have mentioned before that so much of life is miraculous and we're so used to it and so caught up in living that we miss it. I want to be aware of it. I want to see each lovely little aspect of life as a gift. I need to take time to "smell the roses" and enjoy this beautiful world that has been gifted to me.

Gratuitous cheesy photo for the family from Chinese New Year.

I got roped into being a host for this year's Chinese New Year celebration. I had to wear the dress, the heels, lipstick and straighten (and create a poof...yikes) my hair. This ceramics major felt super gussied up. And my legs were sore that night from wearing heels all day. The sad fact is that ceramics majors have no reason to ever wear high heels so I don't even though I think they're pretty.

I also was so wound up from being a nervous, anxious wreck for a week and a half because I had to speak in public in front of a big audience (well, big to me) that I still haven't quite gotten back into a normal eating schedule. I wake up each morning and my heart is beating kind of fast and my breathing is shallow. Big tip off that I'm anxious. Being a worrier is no fun and it's not good for you either. My roommate's boyfriend was really ill the week of Chinese New Year and I begged my roommate to bring me his toothbrush or a cup that he'd drank from so I could catch his illness and get out of hosting. She wouldn't go along with me though and insisted that being sick was worse than public speaking. Fortunately it's over and I don't ever have to do it again (I think). I also had to do a song and dance with my class which was actually pretty fun. We felt really silly, but sometimes being silly with all your classmates is a real team-building exercise. I'm glad I got to do something with them. I really like them.

I'll be honest these past three weeks of school have been quite crazy and full of strange incidents and situations and it has really shaken my confidence and made me really self-conscious and insecure in some ways. Last semester I had some times where I was really unsure of myself and of what I was doing, but I also had times where I was SO happy. For no apparent reason. I couldn't believe that this was my life and how much I loved it. I'm trying to get back to that point again. Thankful. Content. Joyful. I'm taking lots of vitamins and minerals and trying to cook healthy to give myself a boost on feeling well. Prayers would be appreciated.

So let's see...anything else going on lately that I haven't written about? I made a porcelain using a recipe from Val Cushing and I like it hen mucho! (Yes, I did just mix chinese and spanish!) I had to use the new New Zealand kaolin in place of EPK since we are out and it is super white. It's pretty cool. I want to make some slip out of my china clay reclaim to have a slightly different white slip to trail or paint and put glaze over for a subtle difference in line work.

I had to call my Chinese teacher tonight and speak to her in Chinese. It was part of my homework assignment. It's much harder to understand them on the phone because I can't see them speaking. Plus they seem much quieter. I had to say "shen me( 什么? or "what?")?" a lot. We have a test on Friday. 星期五我要考中文。I should probably be nervous, but I'm pretty sure my adrenal glands are shot after the Chinese New Year and other things. So I'm not nervous about it. I figure as long as I study I'll be fine.

Also, I'm pretty sure I met my soul mate on the elevator last Monday. In the time it took us to get from the ground floor to the 5th floor I found out that we had both lived in 3 of the same states. He had moved 27 times, had been a marine and his Dad was a pastor. But I didn't learn his name. Plus I don't remember what he looks like. But he was really nice. Too bad I'll never see him again. Ha ha.

I'm finally getting caught up on my homework from last week. I had 2 critiques plus all these extra meetings for the Chinese New Year with the other 3 hosts and 2 of our teacher so I got behind on housework and some homework. I've missed swing dancing 2 times so far. Maybe I'll get to go back next week. I loaded and fired a bisque kiln tonight and Nick and I are going to fire a salt kiln on Saturday. Should be fun. Seeing fired pots is always exciting. Well, usually anyway. I've had quite a few really bad kiln firings. Let's hope that these turn out well. :)

Now it's off to bed. Another very busy day tomorrow but it will end with a Bible study with the same group as last year and I'm very much looking forward to it. :)

get ready...get set...

Tomorrow is the first day of classes for our new semester! And although this is my 6th year of college which makes this my 12th semester I am still not exempt from having anxiety over going back. Something about knowing everything will be different and seeing old and new faces makes me jittery.

I got home to my apartment a couple of days early and did a little cleaning and sneaked in a visit with a friend. While cleaning I realized that I've amassed quite a collection of pots. And that isn't even all of them! Some were in use, in the dishwasher, holding my soap, toothbrush and other toiletries and others are unaccounted for at the moment. Some were made by me, some bought in China but most were gifted to me by friends. I love using pots made by other people. I know I've mentioned it before, but when I use a bowl or plate or cup made by a friend it makes me very nostalgic. It's nice to know that the people you cared about created and handled something and then gave it to you. That is the thing about handmade that I love so much.

I realized that I own quite a lot of pots. More than I use and more than we can comfortably fit into our cabinets along with the other dishes my roommates contributed for use. So I packed up some of the ones that were in the very back of the cabinet and picked out the ones I made that are the oldest and least used to put into the next student pottery sale and then kept the ones that were made by friends and that I most recently made. There is a lot more room in the cabinets now. Which means I can fill those spaces with new pots made this semester.

So tomorrow I'll go to my first classes. And get to go back to the studio and hopefully see some familiar faces. I went back to my church today and it was so good to see everyone there again. There were still a lot of people missing who hadn't gotten back into town yet that I'm looking forward to seeing in the next week or so.

Wish me luck for tomorrow!

A little project

A few years ago I made fabric flowers with my friend Becca and I loved the way they turned out. We rummaged through her fabric stash and found all the synthetic fabrics we could get our hands on and used them to make flowers. It was very easy...you cut out circles or any shape you want and burn the edges with a candle. It crinkles up into a nice little flower petal that you can stack together with other petals and turn into pins or glue to a bobby pin or hair clip.

I think they're fun. :)

me.

Holly took a few photos of my while I was at my parents house for the break. A few of them came out nicely. I am a little shy of the camera so when someone takes a photo of me that I feel comfortable with I don't mind stealing it from them. :)

I love that scarf. I bought it in China and wear it all the time. I'm not much of a fan of the color pink, but I think this scarf goes with almost everything. All last semester I felt really grungy from being in kiln building and helping set up for the symposium so I started wearing more pink to give myself that instant "girl" feeling. Since then I've warmed up to the color.

Also I am jealous of my sister's camera. That is all.

:)

A peek at the New Year holiday weekend...

Trying out the new texture mats/plaster slabs from my classmate, Thom. I tried to do a little hand building, but didn't pay enough attention to it to put anything together before it dried out.

Trying out our mini-donut maker from my sister, Jacqueline. Gluten-free cake donuts? Yes, please!
A sign at the park, where we went to walk off the gluten-free mini-donuts. I remember when there were actual flowers to not pick. Now everything is dead.
Someone left a little ornament on a tree in the park. I love spotting things like that.

Blue skies...warm weather.

The year 2012 came in like a lamb in that it was quiet, mild weathered and very restful. Not pictured: watching My Fair Lady on the last night of 2011 and watching The Fiddler on the Roof on the first night of 2012. The lovely dinners my sister Holly made to end and welcome the year. She is becoming quite the cook. And the tennis wii matches that Adam and Holly had, which were very entertaining. I'm really bad at the wii.

It was a nice and restful weekend. Now we're gearing up for another busy semester. That means Dad and Holly registering for classes, Adam and me packing to head back up to "almost heaven." We're going to stop and visit Jacqueline for a couple of days before heading back to school. I miss WV. It is always good to see family, and while I know one can learn to love any place they live there is definitely something about WV that I love. I remember driving back after staying in NC for the summer and feeling surprised at feeling slightly emotional when I saw the mountains...I realized that it's home. I have a very busy semester ahead, which I'm both grateful for and a bit apprehensive about. It will be good, I'm sure.

Happy New Year, all!